Hey. Yeah, you.

Don’t fucking hover.

In the time it took you to do laps up and down every aisle in the parking deck (including passing me twice), you could have parked your gluttenous red-neck self and burned a few calories walking in to the GD building.

But wait, there’s more.

Get off your damn phone if you can’t talk and park at the same time.

If you can’t back into a space in one move, abandon the effort. Permanently. Practice on weekends in your parents driveway until you’ve mastered it and then try in public. If you’re on the phone, too? Well you just might be a candidate for my special spray.

I just want to know this: where were these people raised?

I used to work with a guy we called “The Scratcher”. We also called him Charlie Brown, but that’s another story.

So Becky, Tude, Deb and I worked in what we called “The Cave”. It was a nook that fit four cubicles and none of us liked light, so we kept the lights off.

Anyway, “The Scratcher” was my boss…kind of…so he would saunter over to my desk whenever he felt the need. Herein lies the issue. When he would come over, I’d be (obviously, it’s my office) sitting ,and he’d be standing. Picture the height of things and how that’s immediately off-putting. Now, for whatever reason, The Scratcher was frequently too close. And, for whatever reason, his hands were frequently in his pockets. You see where this is going?

Scratching.

Ugh.

Eventually Becky talked to the COO about it (because Becky is a guy, that was just our nickname for him) and presented it to CP (aka the COO) with what I thought was my best argument: does he do that in front of our clients? Is he so unaware of his habit that he does it in church? The grocery store? Further, what the hell is wrong with his wife? Does he do that at home and if so why doesn’t she smack his hand or put a shock collar on him?

Who are these people being raised by? When they leave the nest don’t they build relationships and have loved ones that point out their offensive / obnoxious / irritating habits?

Ok, that’s it.

Oh, would you go ahead and hand me that bottle of Valium?