For giggles (and to get my feet wet) yesterday I was looking at jobs in Ireland. After flipping through a couple of ads I decided I’d send my resume in response to one of them, but I kept stalling out on what to say in the cover letter - not only because it’s been a few years since I had to play that game, but also because of the whole “American” misconception.

Half joking, I solicited my friend “Codie the party boy” for help and the results are freaking hi-lar-i-ous. I added a picture I had laying around and now I think I might actually hurt myself. This morning I was literally laughing so hard tears were streaming and my face is sore. Of course the downside is I’m stuck wondering what my eulogy might sound like.

Moving on…edited lightly, this is what he came up with:

Dear Schmoe,

Please sit down, and let me tell you about the ways I’ll be kicking your ass. My name is Maigh. Not Meg, Meyeg, or Meagan. Fuck this up, once, I dare you. May-g, if you’re curious. I have a last name, but this is hardly of your concern. I need one, and one only call. If you want more, put a .com on the end of it, pretend you’re going to have some input on the decision I’m making for you whilst you browse.

The moon; did I hang it? Please. I was long off and on my way hanging stars. You shoot for the stars and hope to clear the trees? How do you think the stars got there, boy? I know kung fu, I’ll flip you.

I’m very accomplished, validated, generally correct, and more or less, one bitchin broad. If you want gentle, pick the front, or the back, of my hand; you’ll get that and no more. I’ve got more game than Parker Bros. I’ve said it before, don’t make me say it again, I’ll flip you. I know people.

I’m better than your children and their “ding-ding here comes the shit-mobile” drawings.

I’m faster, smarter, stronger, sharper, shorter, taller, longer and a bloody good bit prettier than not only you, but yours. The cat’s ass personified; yours truly.

The fact that you are in need only exhibits my omnipotence. I metabolize other’s desperation. Plato, or one of those prats, said it best; “Behold My Glory”. If I shrugged…

I’ll allow you to conquer that of which you never thought possible, because I can. BEICA. BEcause I CAn.

I take what I need, demand what I deserve, settle for naught, and don’t buy my bling on eBay.

I use “I” a lot, because it’s all about me.

Kind thanks for nothing and Sincerely,

Maigh