“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

~ Rich Cook

I’m into slapping lately. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that if you ask me which of them I resemble – I’ll slap you.

Unless of course you’re into that sort of thing…in which case there’s no tellin’ what I may or may not do. Awwwe yeah.

Cleaning the camera tonight and came across this specimen. I took this picture 5 days ago in a local store – when it was still uber August, thankyouverymuch.

The Man. Always tryin’ to keep me down and bum rush me with the “I really don’t need it, but I have to have it” holiday crap. In no time at all, the individually wrapped Fire Balls in the candy dish on my desk will be replaced with bite sized candy bars, mini boxes of Junior Mints and who knows what else. It’s madness, I tell you, MADNESS!

Not unlike countless others in their restless 30′s, it’s time for me to make a change.

My friend Sjohnna and I talked about it during our monthly sushi-fest in early August and he articulated it beautifully in a way I couldn’t, I’ll try to do it justice in summarization. He noted that in your 20′s it’s all about you: defining your career, worrying about being noticed (read: validated), finding yourself. By your 30′s you’re mostly found and it’s time to nest. It’s not about marriage or lifelong commitment per se, it’s about finally being comfortable in your own skin, with your own ideals and your own values. It’s about teetering on the edge of what we see in our grandparents generation – of doing what makes you happy and turning your back on extraneous societal norms and social graces.

The new and improved “me” years.

Atlanta and I found each other when I stumbled into arms her during my 21st year, in part because my father lived here and after my mother passing away I was ready to be taken care of and reclaim some of the youth and years I’d lost. He passed away two years later, and I remained in her familiar embrace. With no home to speak of, no boxes in an attic in middle America full of grade school papers and photos of birthday parties long since passed, of wilted corsages and dust embedded teddy bears, where would you go?

Stay put, cling to the familiar, struggle to survive, create a community, attempt to evolve.

My “life” has been built, torn apart and rebuilt since then. I carry the scars with me every day and they’ve made me strong even when I didn’t (and still don’t) want to be. I’m content here, and that’s not enough. The fact is that this city isn’t mine – I’m a guest who has stayed past her check out date.

There’s a theory in psychology which says that if you grow up near the ocean or the mountains, you feel lost without them. It’s as though there’s a room inside you that will be vacant until you invite nature to occupy it again with her unshakable beauty and countless charms. In my diminutive and charismatic Anchortown, I was given both environmental prizes without question, and as such am spoiled for the likes of anything else.

Once a quarter, if not more; I engage in the dance as faux satisfaction attempts to assert itself on muted yearnings.

Stability has its selling points. The familiarity at the coffee shop ensures that my mocha is ready before I order it, the grocery store clerk notices when I cut my hair, I can’t leave the house without seeing someone I know. For a city the size of this one, it amazes and romances me…but I want more.

Come next summer it’ll be time to fish or cut bait again, and the self imposed deadline is already looming. Europe will wait a few more years, my dual citizenship doesn’t expire until I do and the goal has always been to retire there at 40. Until then…where I go remains to be seen.

“The easy thing and the right thing are rarely the same.”

I’ve visited and will take a “pass” on: Washington, Missouri, Illinois, Nebraska, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Arkansas, New Jersey, and Alabama. Nothing personal kids, I just didn’t think we had chemistry. We can still be friends, right?

West Virginia was amazing country but without an industry to sustain me. I can’t go “home”, the winters are too treacherous and the long nights haunt me still. I haven’t seen New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island or Massachusetts, but I fear they boast similar qualities in the colder months as the land of my early years. I’ve seen a smidge of Virginia and some of DC and feel the same about the two of those, and I have ghosts in Pennsylvania and Maryland. New Mexico is without ocean but offers what I understand to be an amazing landscape. My baby boy and I have a sight seeing / exploratory trip to Utah planned for late winter / early spring. I wonder about Oregon and I’ve “done” California (but dream about a life in Big Sur). I also think about New York and the way she holds me in a spell when I breathe her in, but crave somewhere calmer, somewhere I can center and balance. I’m tired. I need peace and space and fresh air. I also need to stop reading Codies blog, his love of words seems to be rubbing off and making me long winded.

Tell me where to look – and if you say “within” I will hunt you down and slap you.