She asked if we were married and I sat there stunned, looking for the appropriate replacement for “is it safe to smoke crack at your age!?” while trying not to laugh and wondering where the hell a question like that comes from.
I decided to let him answer, after all, it’s his mother.
Maybe it was because it had been so long since he brought a girl “home”. Maybe it was because of the way we interacted. Maybe it was because she’s longing for grandbabies to carry on the family name that will never appear.
In the end, he said “no, Mom, we’re not” and she seemed not only disappointed, but surprised. There was an awkward pause in the conversation and I could have let the topic drop but if you’ve ever spent more than 5 minutes in my presence, you know that’s just not in my nature.
So I pressed. “What if we never get married?”
At this point I’ll admit I wasn’t thinking clearly, since I was still in shock that she’d so casually broached a subject we hadn’t discussed yet.
Still, I’m thinking if she’s okay with us sleeping in the same room in her house, she’s probably okay with living “in sin” indefinitely as well and we should get her on board sooner rather than later.
“I wouldn’t like it at all…” there was a beat and my lungs froze as she took another sip of her wine. I took the opportunity to remind myself of her age and her religious convictions and her background. No, no, of course she wouldn’t. Stupid question.
In the weeks that passed as we gained distance from the event, I proposed that I wear a big ole CZ during our next visit so she’d think we got hitched and all would be right with the world – but the question on the edge of my brain beyond the tom foolery and the privacy of our own agenda is this: what does it make him to me?
Knowing damn well that introducing him in social situations as “The Mc” will only go so far, and that answering questions about my marital status will probably never be a standard bubble I can fill in on a form, I’m thinking we should talk about it.
So. You and me, reader. Let’s talk.
Is he forever destined to be a “boyfriend” when that hardly covers the boundaries of our relationship? Is “partner” a term reserved for alternate lifestyles? Will I eventually have no choice but to introduce him as my “CLH” for lack of a better term?
I’m just wondering. If there’s one thing I learned in Girl Scouts besides how to wield a knife and make adults angry in record time, it’s that I should at least attempt to be prepared. You know. For the future.
16 Jan 07
10:01 pm
Call him your man slave. And the next time someone asks, tell them “No. I’m just using him for sex.” That’ll learn ‘em.
16 Jan 07
10:16 pm
I think it’s a fine thing to be thinking about and “prepare” for. The Mc is a fine man and a good person and you deserve each other in whatever capacity future language holds.
p.s. like the schnazzy new digs.
16 Jan 07
11:22 pm
Well, I call mine “partner in crime,” and “my favorite person.”
Partner (just partner) is too… antiseptic and passionless.
BTW, what does Mc stand for?
17 Jan 07
9:33 am
Good question….and the best that I can come up with is this: that you & he need to come up with something that means something to the TWO OF YOU and fug (sorry, I’m heartless) everyone else. They’ll either get on board or they won’t. But at the end of the day, when you both lay your heads down on your pillows, what it means to you two is all that matters.
17 Jan 07
9:35 am
All good feedback. I like calling him “my bitch”, but it’s not entirely palatable at family gatherings.
Seriously, keep the thoughts coming. It’s fascinating to hear the different takes on the situation.
17 Jan 07
9:42 am
I think there was a recent survey where like 54% of women say they never want to get married. So, if you are not sure it is perfectly understandable.
All that matters is that you are both happy whether you are married, parnters, friends with benefits, or whatever.
If he makes you happy and you make him happy and not just in a sexual way, that is all that matters. If you are away from him all you want to do it be with him or talk to him. If you can pee with the door open and not be worried.
So in a nutshell, do what makes you happy as the other will eventually see your side and if not let them be miserable for your happiness.
17 Jan 07
10:32 am
“My Bitch” was my idea also, until you beat me to the punch. Manwhore, gimp, and other ones that you would probably edit out would go well.
You could also explain that you two really want to get married, but the doctors won’t let you. If you use that one, then there can be no follow up explanations from you — you have to leave it lingering there, be evasive.
My personal favorite would be to explain that you were married last month but with the explanation of “Well, it’s not exactly legal in all of the states yet, even though the operation was succesful.”
Good luck with that. Let’s hook up for beers soon, and you can bring your bitch, manwhore or whatever it is that you are going to be referring to him now as.
K
17 Jan 07
10:39 am
I’m curious… if the two of you were to get married, would you not invite his mother to the ceremony? Does she just expect her kid to go off and get married and not tell her about it?
17 Jan 07
10:43 am
@ Dave – apparently several years ago he told her if he ever got married, he’d elope.
17 Jan 07
11:33 am
In the US before we were married (living together) I refered to my wife as that i.e. wife since for all intent and puposes that is what she was + it avoided a lot of hassle.
17 Jan 07
6:12 pm
Hmmm. I agree that partner is too business-ey, which to me relationships are anything but.
There was absolutely no question in my mind that I would be with my guy for the rest of forever (and still no question).
So we got married. But I’d still be with him if we hadn’t (about to hit 19 years together, 15 of it married).
And now that I think about it, I can’t really tell you how or why I know that, I just do.
I’d just refer to The Mc as “mine.”
)
18 Jan 07
12:03 pm
I’m with dpb, I think: the way his mom dealt with the question indicates that the real problem lies in their communication channel and not your relationship, so you do what works for you and let him ‘splain it, or not.
But, being old-fashioned myself, I had a similar conversation with my college roommate back in 2000 when he helped me unpack my first apartment in Atlanta. He and his girlfriend of 6 years were shopping for a house in Houston, and he said the loan paperwork was frustrating for its lack of ability to deal with their unclassified relationship. “She’s not my wife, but she’s certainly not just my girlfriend, I mean, we’re buying a house together. They need a new checkbox for people like us.” “No, you need to get off your ass and buy a diamond and get it overwith.”
18 Jan 07
12:07 pm
I love the spirit in these responses!
@ Shelbinator – Wow, okay that was good feedback too but let me clarify.
The question was: what word do you use introduce your S.O. to the world throughout your life when you’ve chosen not to make it “legal”? As an aside, that was spoken like someone who has never been engaged/married/divorced. If only it was just a damn diamond/that simple. I’m not defensive, you are.
18 Jan 07
9:43 pm
What does Susan Sarandon call Tim Robbins? That might work.
18 Jan 07
11:57 pm
Hm. Love monkey? Youngin’?
In reality, I think they refer to each other as “companion”. Not very warm.
19 Jan 07
1:36 pm
From one of my regular haunts…..It came to mind & I thought of you.
Take a gander:
http://droolstreet.blogspot.com/search?q=two+wooden+rings
The comments are interesting too.
Have a great weekend!
19 Jan 07
5:36 pm
*That* was lovely, Tabitha…thank so much for sharing it!
20 Jan 07
11:43 am
I like…..
This is my ‘in case of emergency contact’ the MC.
16 Jun 08
7:15 pm
[...] gave the PFL / man slave / partner / mine / love monkey / ICE a [...]
20 Aug 08
1:24 pm
[...] We’ve come around, The Mc and I. (flashback link) [...]
24 Feb 10
10:23 am
[...] the last month, I’ve lost my step grandfather and my pseudo mother in law. It’s been both a heart wrenching and brilliantly beautiful couple of weeks – filled with [...]