I try to be a good person. I try to have patience and to think happy thoughts…but I fail. A lot.

I know my weaknesses and I usually do a fine job of working around them - like living “in town” so I don’t have to commute and sit in traffic, shopping naked so as to avoid crowded venues like malls, and running errands on my lunch hour instead of saving them up for the weekend when everyone is out.

Now, I couldn’t tell you which one of us is responsible for the brilliant idea to go to the mall/go shopping as part of our date Saturday. I sincerely wish I could, because whichever one of us it was should be honored with The Dumbass of the Year award, taken out back and flogged with a Raggedy Ann doll that’s been loaded with razor blades and rocks.

Scene 1: congested traffic trying to leave the ‘hood. I mouth something from the four letter word category to a woman who blocked an intersection in her big dumb fur coat and bleached hair and Channel sunglasses. She decided she wanted to play and rolled down her window. I played back…because I’m a horrible little troll with a potty mouth, a quick temper and no tolerance for people who think the rules (and by “rules” I mean traffic laws) don’t apply to them.

Scene 2: what used to be my favorite store. It’s clogged with people who aren’t paying attention to what’s going on around them: 16 year olds on cell phones who aren’t even multi-tasking (isn’t that the generation of multi-taskers?), they’re just wandering around the store breathing through their mouths and randomly grunting/speaking in single syllables. Mothers pushing strollers and stopping abruptly (not that I think women should be confined to their homes on the weekend if they have infants - but I think women should be confined to their homes on the weekend if they have infants…at least with strollers). Less than 5 minutes in I pulled a full Veruca Salt, balling up my fists and chanting “I hate shopping, I hate shopping, I hate shopping” in increasing volume and with increasing rage and walked out of the store.

I am a crazy, crazy little woman with “issues”.

As I said before, the good news is I know what they are and 99% of the time I’m able to keep myself in check by avoiding them. The bad news is 1% of the time, someone is incapable of understanding how truly out of my mind I become and feels the need to try me. I don’t recommend it.