Unrelated note: new web obsession / laugh till I cry inspiration.

That is all.

I just watched Patrick Kennedy on The Today Show and I have only one thing to say: that dude is bat-shit crazy.

If you told me he was one of my neighborhood characters - the schizo carpenter with the perm mullet - I might believe you. If you told me you cut his locks and gave him a bath I would completely believe you. If you told me you were having him institutionalized, I’d throw a parade in your honor and wear a coconut bra on the lead float.

Frustrated that my hair is long enough to fall in my face but isn’t long enough to hold back in a ponytail/nub and leaves me looking like a hasidic/orthodox man with a gnarly tangled mess.

No idea what I’ve eaten or lost…too damn tired to care right now.

I sprung forward.

I sprung all the way into the gym. An hour on the treadmill, half an hour on a bike, plenty of stretching and another half an hour in the steam room…and I feel human again.

I had a long afternoon/early evening of work but it didn’t matter.

The ghost of the sun was still floating around when I headed home, the air warm and cool enough to open the bedroom windows. The bulbs a friend sent are poking their heads out of the soil and the moss and inching more towards summer every day. The sounds of trucks hitting the pothole on the street in front were no competition for my heavy lids…but the birds in the trees were, they sang this morning and it sounded like a cheer of a homecoming.

My legs are sore and my knee is not and I find I’d nearly forgotten how much I love the pain.

Days 4, 5, 6 - Friday/Saturday/Sunday
Weight: 130 / Goal: 120 / Lost: -5/+1
Consumed:Too much to mention with the exception of the pork tacos with slaw The Mc made Saturday. I blame them for the +1.
Exercise: 1.5 hrs

It’s like someone kicked over an ant pile.

Swarming/ clumsy/ sugar seeking.

There are moments of clarity that last as long as the flash of a camera where I feel I know what to do / where to go / who I am.

There are more that are the long shutter of attempting to capture a night skyline where I don’t know what to do / where to go / who I am.

It’s not a question of want. Want is the easy part. Reality complicates matters and you’re left with the puzzle of how to make it all fit. How to jam the star shaped block into the circular hole.

I want to live under big strong trees that will shelter me from the bright lights but still allow their brilliance to trickle in. I want to sleep with windows wide where silence can creep in along side the sounds of forest inhabitants. I want to work for love, one that gives back instead of feeding a fat cat or dumbing down America. I want to spend more time walking and listening than rushing and being bombarded with noise. I want to be in a place where I can laugh and love more, where it’s not required that I play the game. I want to go where being honest and being polite aren’t polar opposites and aren’t mutually exclusive.

I struggle with the want/don’t want of erasing whatever it was that jaded me.

When I was 13 I fell in love with her words on change (the her I’ve always been reluctant to share):

“It’s really that simple, but isn’t always that easy.”

It’s been twenty years and she still has the strength to dance in and out of my struggles.

I fumble around the why’s like a stuck lock. Why do we learn things? Who am I going to tell about the thing I learned and why does it matter? I’m not a parent, I’m not Galileo. Why do I write? Who will read and what does it really change? Why do I believe? Can I change anything? Will my love make friends stronger?

The dentist yesterday grumbled about my childhood dentist. Said he was lazy, that he took too many teeth out of my wee baby head instead of waiting and putting more effort into orthodontia. He said I’d have looked different if they hadn’t taken so many.

Would I have looked more like him, or more like her? Was it a reminder to be patient? Was it a reminder of my faith and my fearlessness? Where have they gone?

Day 3 - Thursday, March 8
Weight: 129 / Goal: 120 / Lost: 5
Consumed:1 cup of coffee, one tuna sandwich, two bowls of cereal (one breakfast, one dinner), one strawberry/blueberry/nanner shake/smoothie
Exercise: None. In bed and asleep at 8:30