He’d had the flu for a few weeks when she finally convinced him to go to the doctor. His favorite jeans wouldn’t stay on anymore, his belt had become useless in aiding and abetting and he couldn’t find the strength to go buy some in a smaller size. He was a mans man – doctors were for women, babies and invalids. Eventually the terminally ill were added to the list, and he was added with them.

It was pancreatic cancer and when he was diagnosed his life was stamped with an estimated expiration date that nearly matched the sweet cream spread in the fridge. Dreams of retirement in Snoqualmie Falls evaporated like the mist that inspired them. Instead of his remaining days being spent rocking in a chair made of pine or maple on creaky boards in comfortable clothes, wrapped in a quilt and eating cookies for every meal, he elected to participate in a clinical trial so that others might be saved by his drawn out and tortured loss.

I remember the last attempt to go for one of his mystery treatments.

The shell of my father was buckled in the passenger seat of his big brown Caddy, he was wearing light grey sweatpants with aggressive ankle elastic and they didn’t fit him any better than they would have fit a barstool.

His hair was gone, and a thin blue stocking cap covered they grey and white stubble on his perfect little noggin. He had on a sweatshirt and a coat I never cared for, and he was bent in half with his head over his knees.

I was clumsy behind the wheel of his beast and hit a manhole cover on the street a few houses away from his when he made a noise that still hurts my heart. It was a yelp and a groan and the sound of someone truly, deeply in pain. When it’s someone you love producing it, the sound threatens to kill you, too.

I stopped the car and through labored breaths he said quietly that he couldn’t do it anymore. He requested that I take him back home.

I asked him repeatedly if he was sure, because if we didn’t go to treatment that day, the protocol was over. We couldn’t go back. That was the end of the trial and the end of the treatment, and essentially; the end of him.

He said he was sure. He was nearly gone as it was.

A minister coordinated through Hospice had come to the house and counseled us a few times during the weeks he was still able to talk and joke. She was young, with sandy hair in one of those non-descript short styles. Maybe Dorothy Hamill, maybe Mark Hamilll. Either way. She was the first woman of the cloth I’d met and I didn’t know what to make of her except that dad seemed to like her and that was good enough for me.

There was an exercise she walked us through one afternoon in the sitting room we rarely used because it was formal and unwelcoming. And there was no TV.

The furniture still smelled new and the springs squeaked a little under our weight as we settled in and huddled closely around dad. She asked him to he tell us each (the 3 of 4 that were there) something – though now I don’t remember exactly what the question was.

What I remember is that when it came time for him to speak to me, he said he worried most about me being okay without him.

I wasn’t. I’m still not.

Days later, he and his organs were shutting down in a bed we’d set up in the living area on the ground floor of the house. It was an open floor plan and his bed was steps from his favorite high-backed blue cloth chair. This meant he was also steps from the living room so we could be around him and with him and he could hear us watching TV and talking and laughing and he could know we were together and living.

The minister with the short hair visited as regularly as the nurses in the few short months we had between the news and the end, despite my father being an atheist. She’d sit with her head bowed, listening intently as she held his hand. They’d talk while he still could talk, but on that last night the two way conversations had long since ended and the minister leaned in close. So close it almost looked like nothing was being said. But it was.

I found out later that she’d told him he was forgiven, and that he was loved, and that it was okay to go.

He went while we were sleeping that night, as was his way not to make a scene or have a fuss made over him. She called to tell me around 2am and I broke a land speed record getting back to the house. I remember sitting with her while we waited for a nurse to make the pronunciation and for the funeral home fella to arrive. She held his hand and kissed his forehead and we cried because we missed him already and because we were happy he wasn’t hurting anymore and we made a truce right there and then without saying anything at all.

I don’t remember much else. I was 23, and I’d just said good-bye to the original love of my life.

Giving Dad the angel for the tree

Inspired by Trevor on a tarmac in Houston.

This post has 21 comments.

  1. AskaLesbian
    31 May 07
    9:48 pm

    Wow. Sorry about your Father. Is this this first time that you’ve written about his passing?

    I just happened to stumble on your writing and I’m so glad that I did.

    Best Regards!

    http://askalesbian.blogspot.com/index.html

  2. I don’t remember what the lady had him tell us, either. Those months are a blur.

    Three of the four of us. Still hurts.

    Good on you for writing this. I can’t yet.

    Love.

  3. AO
    01 Jun 07
    8:27 am

    Very moving. Thank you for sharing.

  4. mingaling
    01 Jun 07
    9:40 am

    Your last paragraph – so touching.

  5. Tabitha
    01 Jun 07
    9:55 am

    Maigh, I can only imagine how hard it was to write this. But good on you for doing it. I’m glad you did – for what that is worth.

    That Trevor post still resonates with me too.
    Things happen for many a reason, don’t they?

  6. Tabitha
    01 Jun 07
    9:56 am

    Oh, and what a way to punctuate that post.
    With that picture.

  7. ETK
    01 Jun 07
    10:17 am

    Wow, that was very moving (I am crying at my desk as I type). I’m so sorry.

  8. Ryan
    01 Jun 07
    10:55 am

    Wow. That was courageous, both what your father endured and the effort you made to share it with us. You should keep a hard copy somewhere safe so that you and those close to you later in life have the opportunity to share such profound feelings.

  9. SomewhereinAK
    01 Jun 07
    11:01 am

    I’m truly sorry, Meigh. My wife and I also both lost our fathers. My experience was very different, but hers was eerily similar to yours. Thank you for sharing with us.

  10. [...] Giving Dad the angel for the treeMaigh posted a photo:Mini Me in rad PJ’s.I have such fond memories of that red shag carpet and the amazing static electricity you could create with it and a good pair of socks.www.maigh.com/2007/05/31/the-night-we-said-good-bye/ [...]

  11. Letty
    01 Jun 07
    2:55 pm

    I am a cancer survivor and I am so touched by your post. Thank you for posting and for sharing you most intimate memories of you father. Always hold them close. Always live life like there is no tomorrow. We don’t know how long that we have.

  12. bosskat
    01 Jun 07
    8:00 pm

    I wish I could remember what he said to me. I remember sitting together but that’s about it. I remember having my suitcase packed and being ready to leave for the airport back to school at the end of that Christmas break with dreadfully mixed feelings. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. He could only nod and with that I cancelled my flight. School could wait. I also remember being alone with him at his bedside and singing “You Can Close Your Eyes” by James Taylor to him. Everytime I hear it I cry and thank him for the strength he gives us. I love you.

  13. Annie
    01 Jun 07
    8:06 pm

    I love this post. Beautiful and sad – Thank you for sharing.

  14. mike
    01 Jun 07
    10:02 pm

    *beautiful*

  15. Joseph
    02 Jun 07
    7:51 am

    Only people who have lived such tragic moments in a family life can understand your profound pain. What hurts most is the fact that, despite all our society declamations of scientific achievements and high standard of living, deseases like pancreatic cancer are practically a death sentence. It takes courage to accept fate and tell others about it.

  16. julie
    03 Jun 07
    12:49 am

    maigh, your father is weeping with us now: big, proud tears of joy at the woman you have become. thank you for your strength and inspiration.

  17. bear
    03 Jun 07
    12:54 am

    Thanks Maigh.

  18. Dtox
    04 Jun 07
    9:50 am

    i wrote you something on myspace about this Maigh

  19. Maigh
    04 Jun 07
    12:18 pm

    Thank you all for the kind words…

  20. [...] Mc lost his dad when he was 12 and I (as you probably know) when I was 23. I thought about what we, as a couple that won’t become parents, will pass along – and to [...]

  21. [...] it wasn’t. I ran through life with wild abandon and reckless enthusiasm. Through my 20’s – after he left me – I did more of the same. I was at life’s Suck Buffet, trying a little of everything: [...]