She wants me on meds, my therapist. For the umpteenth time since my angst riddled teen years, I resist.
I’ve caved on multiple previous occasions. Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, Wellburtin. We’re ex-lovers. In the beginning it was all promises of frosty drinks in the Bahamas, but they delivered decaf in Seattle. Dreary, bland, with a deliberate and distinct lack of life and light.
I’d rather struggle with the lows and still have the highs than have nothing at all, I say.
She makes me promise to exercise, to consume plenty of Omega 3’s and to try an herb (for shits and giggles). I agree. Again. I agree knowing that my schedule these days is 90% of the problem, and that sleep is more crucial to what’s left of my sanity than waking at 4am for a walk. I’m breaking my promise already, and might need a cast after not having made it out of bed yesterday at all.
My sister once referred to me as “high functioning” which is a really nice way of saying “you’d never know by looking at her that she’s bat-shit crazy”. I kid. I’m not crazy… I just struggle harder than most to go through the motions and not cry when standing on a street corner with The Mc eating a perfectly tasty ice cream cone and giving him the short version of The Giving Tree because (as my old friend Heather will tell you) I “feel too much”.
I’m human, and I’m flawed.
09 Jul 07
2:49 pm
Aren’t we all, sister, aren’t we all? Sometimes it’s just easier to see.
09 Jul 07
3:13 pm
So, what’s worse? Going through your entire life miserable and not knowing it? or realizing you have good and bad days?
I don’t know the answer to that, and I’m not saying you’re better or worse than they are, but I look at those people and have to just shake my head in bafflement. How can you just plod through life that way – so sad or so angry? And do they even know anymore how miserable they are?
And, hey, you can always say, “Well, at least I don’t cry as much as Bear. Sheesh, she cries at every damned thing.” Hell, I can barely listen to “the country stations” anymore… I got choked up on this song the other day (track 3) http://tinyurl.com/2ss4gc
09 Jul 07
3:45 pm
LOL – technically, it was “*pathologically* high-functioning,” and I passed it to you after my therapist gave it to me, like a really ill-fitting sweater handed down from Mrs. Kapanski that I refused to wear and so handed on down to you to see if you liked it any better than I did. Please to enjoy!
You might see if you can get a sleep study done – interrupted sleep can mess with your head. I finally got tested and I don’t officially have apnea…but when the tech asked how many times I’d woken up the night of the test, and I said once, he laughed. It was more like 80. No wonder I nap all the time. Now, more tests…but I’ll take a dozen of them if I can get some more zing in my life!
09 Jul 07
9:30 pm
“I’m human, and I’m flawed.”
…and that’s why I like you. You say what you mean, and you mean what you say. There’s not enough of that in this wacky weird world. Relish in your ability to feel something, it means you’re plugged in.
10 Jul 07
11:30 pm
i stumbled across your blog via another during my newbie-to-blogs mania. I thoroughly enjoy your writings, perspective, and observations.
“feel too much” sounds like another(better)way of saying someone’s emotional. I still cry every time my mother tells me I am “too emotional” even after all these years.
14 Jul 07
2:35 pm
You know. The Vulcans have a non-pharmaceutical cure for that.
But seriously, It’s very courageous of you to open up to us. Thanks for letting us in.