“I’m at a crossroads,” I tell her. “Do I abandon my blog and readers…do I sacrifice the support they give just to start all over somewhere else with an alias?”
As always, she was level and logical and put together what I was saying with what she was *hearing* and what she knows about twenty years of me and my heart and my mind and said matter-of-factly “I think you just have to put it out there without apologies: I’m not going to censor myself anymore.”
We were in the middle of the gift shop at the Chattanooga Choo Choo and while she picked up little trains and inspected them for the worthiness of her child, one processor in my brain paused while the other went into overdrive.
When it started, no one read and I didn’t care what I wrote. “I burned my popcorn at lunch…” blah blah blah.
It was for me, and served as an absurd sort of on-line diary and in the most basic way, I was maybe earlier but fundamentally no different than damn near any other blogger out there, and at last count I think there were 1.86 bijillion of ‘em. Writing on-line was a way to remember experiences, thoughts, and adventures. It was a safe place to let my demons out to play, battle and be purged.
But something I didn’t expect happened: people started reading. They started commenting and I started thinking more about what I was writing. It provided me an opportunity to be more introspective (at times) and encouraged me – as Jack Nicholson would tell you in As Good As It Gets – to be a better man. Er. Woman.
My friend Heather is quick to point out that one of my biggest flaws is that I care too much. She says it with a hint of love, but it’s intended as an insult.
I care about the choices people make. I care about helping people I know and people I don’t know in whatever passive or direct way I can, and I care if I hurt myself or others with my words or actions.
So, I’ve censored myself and sanitized my writing. I’ve taken all the effing fun out of it, and that alone qualifies me for a life long sentence on the Golden Twinkie.
I hold back about my mother because her sister (who I love – Hi Auntie Moie!) reads the site and I’m fully aware that the way my mother would want to be remembered by friends or loved ones or known by complete strangers is not the way I would describe her or our years together.
I hold back about other family struggles because my siblings read. Hell, I’ve never even mentioned my ex-husband directly, but then, let’s see: a) I don’t want to admit that particular failure b) don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing his name (since he still comes here looking for a mention of himself) and finally c) I don’t want to remember that he existed.
OTOH, there is The Mc. Plenty of bits I could have used these pages to process in the early days/weeks/months of our courtship, but I don’t want him involuntarily thrown under the microscope, and therefore try to leave him off the page.
Add insult to injury with my fondness of four letter sentence punch ups. I’ve mildly adjusted my sailor vocabulary because some friends and friends of friends have more delicate sensibilities, and even if they’re immune to it, folks they know aren’t. I’ve had people de-link me because of the way the people that read *their* blogs would think of them if they knew they read me. Which is neither here nor there. I understand, even if I don’t agree.
Boundaries can be good. Maybe I sound ignorant when every sixteenth word typed is four letters. Maybe “fuck” drops readers and they miss the point. Eh. Whatevs.
These boundaries are bad.
Somewhere in all that anti-bacterial writing bullshit, I lost my voice, my inspiration and my passion. I am suffocating. Writing has become a burden instead of a pleasure because I’m worried about what you think instead of honoring what I feel. Your mere existence makes me tired.
So with thanks to Julie (my angel of sanity and heart of hearts) I say: I’m done.
Forgive me for anything I may say that offends and remember: you can always change the channel.
30 Dec 07
12:19 am
Amen, sister! I think you should write whatever you want. Be You. I agree, if others don’t like it, they don’t have to read it.
I hate censoring, too & I do b/c I care too much what others think. That’s a burden I have carried all my life…. I have had to maintain my “goodie two-shoes” reputation. So, people like me need people like you to live vicariously through. Let it out!
30 Dec 07
4:11 am
I wrestled with this same subject on my blog. When I started my blog it was to honestly reflect on my recovery from Sexual Addiction. After more and more comments and links from other popular blogs I soon started to write what I thought would bring people rather than the truth. It soon became difficult to write and I eventually revealed some dirty truth’s. Bunch of these people delinked me, it hurt at first, but honestly, I will never meet most of these people in the blogosphere, so fuck em. Thats hard for me to say coming from a Christian people pleaser, but I have started a new policy in life. I think it, I say it. I look forward to reading Maigh uncensored.
30 Dec 07
9:31 am
I personally hope that you keep blogging. I stumbled upon your blog one day years ago and it was the reason I decided to write myself. I have of course totally slacked since the birth of my daughter, but I still enjoyed reading yours. It was the honesty and the profanity that kept me reading. If I wanted things to be pretty and sterile I’d pick up the paper. You should think about your writing as edited as opposed to censored. But whatever you chose, everyone is better off having read your blog and having met you. You dont owe us anything, you can tell us anything you want, you can hide anything you want, hell you could make up your life as we know it and we’d still read it and enjoy it. As long as you are happy with your life. that’s what is important.
maybe you need to start the first pay-per-view blog.
30 Dec 07
10:07 am
Okay, by “I’m done” you mean done with the censorship bullshit, right? ‘Cause seriously, I need to know what’s going on with the cats.
30 Dec 07
2:41 pm
Hey, as long as when you are mad at me we try to talk it out first, I’m good. If then you want to post about how mad you WERE but we worked it out, or how you are still mad because it’s *not* worked out, or how lame it is watching me try to work things out, or how you dread calling me to tell me you’re mad so that you can write about it, whatever. I’d just want you to tell me I suck before you tell everyone else. I may still suck afterward, but I would not be surprised by my morning reading!
BTW, I have learned this along the way: in your 20s, you care what people think. In your 40s, you don’t care what people think. And in your 60s, you realize you were never really thinking about you that much in the first place, and you could have been doing what you wanted the whole time. I’m trying to reach my 60s early - sounds like you are, too
30 Dec 07
4:14 pm
Best post of the year.
30 Dec 07
5:55 pm
And that is why I love you. Keep me posted on part dos.
30 Dec 07
7:56 pm
Amen and double Amen. Keep the passion and honesty coming!
Your fan in Charlotte, NC
30 Dec 07
8:17 pm
Good For you….raw is the only way to fly…speak your true mind. Correctness is for politicians.
30 Dec 07
9:56 pm
You’re my hero.
30 Dec 07
10:14 pm
Amen, sister. Amen.
I wish I could write with the honesty and the clarity that you do.
There is so much I would like to say in this little comment box.
I think anyone who reads your blog reads it for your honesty, your special sauce that you add to your view and experiences. This is why they come here. And anyone that reads because they enjoy your voice will not care about the other stuff.
Your sister is very wise. Which I’m sure you know already.
And so is your friend Julie.
Stay true to you, Maigh.
And I bow down to you.
31 Dec 07
8:59 am
You had me running scared at “I’m done”, implying “I’m done with this blog”. Good writers do those kinds of things to their reader’s heads.
31 Dec 07
1:07 pm
ok so I am two days late and about $50 dollars short in putting in my two cents.
Maigh, darling…isn’t the definition of a blog “to sound off about all things in the world that bother, amuse, irritate, move, over-stimulate, grab ahold of said blogger”????? Meaning that this is YOUR blog. YOUR space to say YOUR thing. If in “how” you say it offends someone then they either need to (1) not read your blog anymore and/or (2) be big enough to say to you that it offended them and be able to hold a rational discussion about it.
I personally don’t understand the need to use four letters words in normal everyday speech. That’s my thing. But it will not keep me from reading your blog. I love your writing and your sarcasm on life in general (that I share btw!!). I love your general “this is how I feel, so tthhhpppttt :-P” attitude. I mean, our small discussions once a year in May at 6am are a HOOT!!!
So if you’ve felt claustraphobic in your blogging, BUST OUT BABY!! Fly and soar! (ok now I’m starting to sound alittle Tony Robbins-ish) hey life coaches and cheerleaders have nothing on me. LOL!!
Lookin’ forward to what your noggin’ has in store for us in ‘08!!
31 Dec 07
1:49 pm
I keep waiting to read about ME on this blahg. Seriously, I read to see whats up with you my friend… if you close shop you’ll just get more email from me (could be good or bad… i DO have a picture phone).
tj
ps. If one more person writes “blogo” something, I’m gonna bitch slap you.
31 Dec 07
3:26 pm
That’s the reason I started my blog was b/c I felt so censored in verbal terms. My blog allows me to get it all out and not let stuff fester inside me to where I’d implode if one more thing happened. Let it out!! Free yourself and allow others to see the real Maigh…I guarrantee it will make you feel better. If it offends…too bad. No one is forced to read.
As ETK said..you’re a hero and I enjoy reading you. You’re like a good book that never ends. That’s the best kind.
01 Jan 08
12:34 am
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind. — Dr. Seuss
01 Jan 08
6:51 pm
You geaux girl.
02 Jan 08
5:14 pm
Hey, I don’t know who you are, and you sure as hell don’t know me, but your blog is has provided me with about 17 weeks of daily entertainment! Somehow I came across Sagor’s blog from some other person’s endurance racing blog, got turned around at Team Dicky’s blog and ended up here. You can’t quit now, I am still catching up! Happy New Year!