All around me, people are having babies.
Last year it was in the water at the office, this year it’s airborne and infected Austin, Anchorage, Atlanta and Raleigh. The list goes on, the creation continues.
In response, I’m slowly refining my baby hat knitting skills so they actually fit the little people I’m making them for and are completed in less than a decade. The latter is more difficult than the former.
What I still haven’t perfected is my one line response to the inevitable question from women completely effing high from baby hormones or momma pheromones and/or those don’t know me and therefore know better: when are you having kids?
“Never” should be a simple enough answer, but alas it misses the palette of those hungry for my psychological and genealogical history.
Instead of accepting my offering at face value and supporting it, a series of questions and unwanted opinions always follow: Why not? Everyone wants kids. What – are there medical issues? You could always adopt. I have this friend who…, You’d be a great mother! I didn’t think I wanted kids either but they’ve changed my world blah blah blah.
I have a theory there’s something that happens to women after they lay on a table in a room full of strangers all staring at their hoo-hahs while they push everything in them out: a fraction of their common sense and tact are left on the delivery room floor with the soiled sheets and their once charming inhibitions.
Now sitting squarely in my mid 30′s with an ankle biter glaringly absent to some eyes, the queries come more frequently with sharper edges and less understanding than I previously thought possible, given that this is 2007 2008 and we’re in America.
If I’m not probing women of baby bearing age about why they want to have children, then verbally assaulting them with reasons not to have children (followed by endless prattling about my thoughts on what they should do with their bodies instead), then why is it socially acceptable for them to reverse the argument?
I spend more time daydreaming about this than I should, and work through various scenarios ranging from cartoon anvils being dropped on heads, to one line zingers about how I used to be a man, to the simple truth blended with the immature (“I don’t want to and you can’t make me”).
I’ve settled on this one line, which I hope to employ in the near future to answer any and all post-”Never” follow up questions in one sweet candy crusted package: mind your own fucking business.
Too harsh?
02 Jan 08
1:04 pm
Ah, the age old question for women like us that are fabulous, would make great mothers, and of child-bearing age. Yeah, we would make great mothers if we actually liked or wanted children, right? Ug.
My favorite:
“If I’m not probing women of baby bearing age about why they want to have children, then verbally assaulting them with reasons not to have children (followed by endless prattling about my thoughts on what they should do with their bodies instead)”
I LOVE this. I had not thought of responding in kind. I may employ this tactic in the near future, just to point out how rude and inappropriate it is to force your own child-bearing opinions on someone else.
To date, I’ve stuck with the simple and generally, conversation stopping “I hate kids” or sometimes, when I don’t know the people as well “I don’t like kids”. Often followed by: “we’re selfish and we want all our money for ourselves” or “oh yeah, but look at this great purse I bought instead of funding little Baby Jr’s education.” But really, I should not have to justify my decision.
I try to make myself feel better and justify other people’s rude and inappropriate behavior by thinking that they just don’t know any better or that they are trying to find something in common, but bottom line – I really think they are just nosey. So, yeah, keep your nose out of my uterus too. K? Thanks.
Awesome uncensored post Maigh!
02 Jan 08
1:25 pm
Women as a group are sneaky coniving beyotches.
I think some of the response comes from “we joined the ‘group.’ what? the group’s not good enough for you?”
They’re also those same nasty people that think because you ARE pregnant, you are a member of their “group” and you should let them touch your pregnant belly. grrrrrr
I’m sure I’ve been guilty of some stupid baby comment in my time – if not to you personally, someone I’m sure. Because hey, I am in the group, and had a tiny sip of the koolaid. Just a little one. So… sorry to you all.
Thanks for the refresher, it will definitely remind me to be more aware of the stupid shit falling out of my mouth.
02 Jan 08
1:30 pm
Amen Maigh! (long time reader, 1st time poster) This phenomenon is occuring in 20-somethings as well. I thought this age we’re supposed to be free and see the world and all that. But it’s like I’m living in 1950. I’ve been experiencing the same thing since graduating college. Everyone around me was getting married and/or popping out youngins. I am 23 and I’ve been getting this question since I turned 20 it seems.
I’ve stopped giving the excuses, “I can barely take care of myself. I I have ungodly student loans. I live with my parents for f***’s sake! I’m only 23!”
Now I tell them “I prefer not to have any willingly, but I owe the president of SCAD my first born.”
Some things grown women, who ought to know better, just can’t understand.
02 Jan 08
2:14 pm
Pitch-perfect, if that’s how you really feel.
02 Jan 08
5:53 pm
As someone who always wanted kids and has not been able to have them, if I like the person who’s asking and I figure they mean well or are just making conversation, I usually just say “Not yet.” That usually stops the line of questioning.
But if someone is really pushy about it, I have been known to freeze in my tracks, slowly smile a frosty smile, bat my eyes, and say “My GOODNESS, what a personal question!” Then wait a beat, keeping eye contact, still smiling coldly, and stick a fork in their left eye. Works every time.
02 Jan 08
6:30 pm
not too harsh for me.
fuck em!
02 Jan 08
9:04 pm
Seconding with an “amen”.
02 Jan 08
11:01 pm
not too harsh. not at all.
you could always try this if you’re feeling like you should be “nice” about it (even though they are not): “Because I’m allergic.”
you think that might shut them up?
02 Jan 08
11:11 pm
Don’t hold back! I like the uncensored version best. Kids are a pain in the ass. They’re life-sucking-little-carpet-apes.(** she says w/ affection for her own**)
Only ‘us’ week women cave in to the whole idea of procreating. And I dare say,often …it’s w/o much thought. Plus there’s that whole saying about how kids are like puppies: they’re cute when they’re little but then they grow up and………well, you know the rest.
Do what you want! Travel the world; indulge yourself;keep your smarts!
03 Jan 08
1:55 pm
Hubby & I are allergic to children, too.
If I must be lumped into a “club,” then thankfully Hubby & my bestfriends are supporters & co-members of my No-I-am-not-having-kids,-mind-your-bidness-club.
Great post!
Yes, please everyone stay out of my uterus.
04 Jan 08
11:56 pm
Great answers all of them, I think a larger policy of requiring people to stay out of the uterus unless specifically invited. Covers a huge range of issues.
I do enjoy a shallow sounding response “kids would interfere with my (your choice: shopping, wine, cigarette, sex) addiction and my plans for global domination”
There is some sort of reactionary thing going on. I work with mostly married men with stay at home wives, sometimes they appear to look at the women who do work (with and without kids) like escaped animals at the zoo.
07 Jan 08
4:33 pm
Not harsh at all – and resounding Amens from over my little corner of the world!
I’m adopting your response, too.