In the last few weeks we’ve said good-bye to a family member, looked at half a dozen houses and had a fight (we never fight).

I’ve been allowing myself to be pulled like taffy from event to event, obligation to obligation.

Last night I watched the sky light up over downtown and made a vow to myself to take it back: my time misses me. My legs miss stretching and hitting the pavement, my mind misses long nights of physically (not mentally) exhausted sleep. My fingers miss typing and spilling out my cares, worries, observations and frustrations.

Like doing the right thing, it’s really that simple – but rarely that easy.

Walking into an unfamiliar church (which equates to all but 3 on the planet) gives me hives and flashbacks to small town, foreign country new high school nightmares.

All eyes are on you as you walk in with your wrong hair/wrong clothes/wrong accent. Long, painful minutes of judging have already been endured before you cross the threshold to homeroom, and you know you’ve already lost. You don’t know the right things to say, how to say them, when to say them. When it’s okay to laugh, ask questions, or be honest.

The judging doesn’t come from the God I know, it comes from the people in the pews.

My fundamental issues with organized religion may have been burned into my intellectual DNA from my father before I was in the womb: I ask questions, just as he did when he was in seminary. Beyond the students, I find myself scrunching my nose and tilting my head when my teachers speak. When the man or woman with the collective attention leaves out key bits of the stories from the bible – like when telling the story of Abraham and glossing over the fact that he didn’t trust God and bonked a young woman in his wife (Sarah)’s employ in order to secure his lineage (I know, I know, wait for next week).

I still want to know why the first chunk of the bible is chock full of men praying to God for strength to defeat (many times in long, descriptive ways) their enemies, and why this is something frequently and conveniently not mentioned in any church I’ve been to. Why would these men think God would help them destroy his children? Would He?

A people watcher by nature, it’s also and incredible struggle for me to sit in a church and not be distracted by the guy behind me who is over acting. Who saves twenty spots then talks on his cell until service starts trying to find his “friends” and get them to sit with him. Who talks too loud with said friends while I’m trying to plug in and be present. Who sings at the top of his lungs. Should I be jealous of his faith? Of his ability to let it all hang out there? Do I have the patience or tolerance to befriend him, that maybe one day he would be comfortable enough with his faith and himself that he could worship quietly like the other parishioners? Who’s to say I’m right or wrong or he’s right or wrong in the way we observe? Should I talk to him about seeking a future leading a ministry, if he’s got that kind of energy to share?

As I said – I was raised asking questions. I wasn’t encouraged to fit a mold and it was just ducky when I made waves, which works out well because that just so happens to be a natural skill I posess.

I want these people to ask questions. I want them to allow themselves to cock their heads to the side like I did when they skipped the bit about Ole Abe and The Tale of The Wandering Pelvis. I want them to get fired up and be moved and to feel it and I want them to feel like they own their spirituality. I don’t want to find myself in a pen of sheep, stepping in their muck.

Over the years I’ve had at least a hundred conversations about blind faith, about it being as for us to explain and wrap our minds around as infinity. It’s a word and a concept that you think you know, but until you’ve experienced infinity, you don’t really know what it is, do you?

So yeah. This is a good chunk of why I’m spiritually homeless, and why, right now thisveryminute, I’m perfectly okay in my cardboard box on the side of the freeway. Because really, I like it here with the God I know, and I believe that if I’m patient and I work for it, and look for it, I’ll find the perfect house for me eventually.

Maybe it’ll be the one that sparked this post, maybe it won’t. Either way I’m glad that fire was reignited, and I’m glad it got me thinking. And I’m looking forward to that house, because it will be mine and I’ll have finally come home.

Newest tweets first

home. computing. brushing kitty. trying to be a veg and enjoy the first ME time I’ve had in…weeks. 1 minute ago from web

take 2. noggin clearly too large for my frame: time to get it shrunkeded…then finger and toes dolled up. about 3 hours ago from web

noggin clearly too large for my fram: tikme to get it shrunkeded about 3 hours ago from web

34 minutes later: Ohhhhhhh it’s cake day. Sugar coma. about 4 hours ago from web

YEAY it’s cake day! YEAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY about 5 hours ago from web

i would argue that there *is* such a thing as a stupid question. about 7 hours ago from web

Blocking time off on my calendar for ME. It’s ridonkulous that I’m “booked” through August. You people are savages. about 9 hours ago from web

which came first: the bad hair/fat day or the crappy attitude? about 12 hours ago from web

2 hours of walking = reward wings at six feet under west siiiiide about 23 hours ago from web

realizing I’m a masochist for prepping to walk my 5mi w/HRH 93deg muggy ATL temps. let’s hope I make it home alive. 05:20 PM June 25, 2008 from web

sweating balls and about to inhale a sanny with a ton of onions. my symathies to whoever seits next to me in the session this afternoon. 12:08 PM June 25, 2008 from web

still pondering the church post i haven’t had time for. 11:55 AM June 25, 2008 from web

heading out to get fresh water for uncle deadly. his bowl looks and smells like a petite swamp. 11:06 AM June 25, 2008 from web

Very hungry, not yet fully awake and physically prepared to backhand the first person that’s snippy with me. 09:04 AM June 25, 2008 from web

walking into the office, bracing myself for another doozie 07:56 AM June 25, 2008 from web

running late. boo. 07:09 AM June 25, 2008 from web

Home from APG. Zonked, but not ready for bed yet. 11:18 PM June 24, 2008 from web

trying to wrap things up so I can BAIL and head to ESP for a little Mad Italian before the APG fun begins. VIVA LA APG! 04:22 PM June 24, 2008 from web

annoyed by the facebook slurping yelp data hiccup that shows all reviews as 0/5 stars…boo for bugs. 08:49 AM June 24, 2008 from web

almost to the office. i’m like lightnin’. superheroish even. 07:25 AM June 24, 2008 from web

moving. going. stop looking at me like that! I’m going! 06:48 AM June 24, 2008 from web

@loswhit – it’s not a joke, but you’ll learn to ignore them with time. rule #1 of summer in ATL: don’t breathe. 06:47 AM June 24, 2008 from web in reply to loswhit

awake, running late. not freaking. could use more sleep, really. 9 hours is never enough… 06:46 AM June 24, 2008 from web

stuffed, playing scrabulous, doing laundry, cuddling with kitty, watching idiot box and prepping for 8 hours. 08:06 PM June 23, 2008 from web

home from another 10 hour day with no lunch. feeding grayson then meeting the mc for the marlow’s sanny I’ve been craving 05:47 PM June 23, 2008 from web

Thanks to Meg’s suggestion, just made a reservation for myself @ http://puravidausa.com for a long solo weekend in late July. 12:41 PM June 23, 2008 from web

Trying to plan a weekend for myself somewhere. Need solo, quiet, no one needs me, no cleaning time. 09:07 AM June 23, 2008 from web

trying to put my finger on why I’m so irritable. 07:05 AM June 23, 2008 from web

Playing catch with Grayson and drinking coffee. 06:04 AM June 23, 2008 from web

meatador mexican cantina with HRH and hubby + The Mc 05:48 PM June 22, 2008 from web

Home…getting ready to go look at more real estate. 02:03 PM June 22, 2008 from web

boo cafe sunflower closed sunday. houstons FTW! 12:40 PM June 22, 2008 from web

just met @loswhit, taking MJ to cafe sunflowr for junch to talk about god and stuff 12:31 PM June 22, 2008 from web

@ buckhead wiating for the fun to begin… 10:50 AM June 22, 2008 from web in reply to buckhead

coffee with mary jac before buckhead. i love this girl. 09:23 AM June 22, 2008 from web

listening to report on npr about the twitter debate 09:13 AM June 22, 2008 from web

just slept 14 hours. 08:30 AM June 22, 2008 from web

Not feeling well, still. Took 2 Tylenol PM and laying down… 07:33 PM June 21, 2008 from web

went to the tailor, watched the second half of oceans whatever, created FB group for APG (per this AM) and thinking about laying down. 01:46 PM June 21, 2008 from web

done shooting, now for attempt #2 to visit the tailor 11:03 AM June 21, 2008 from web

done shooting, now for attempt #2 to visit the tailor Sat, Jun 21 2008 11:03 AM

en route to top secret shoot location #2 Sat, Jun 21 2008 9:21 AM

stroll @ oakland done, now: the majestic and ??? Sat, Jun 21 2008 8:16 AM

i’m waterproof Sat, Jun 21 2008 6:15 AM

@Oakland waiting with a brella in the sprinkles eyeballing a stray that’s walking erratically Sat, Jun 21 2008 6:14 AM

eh. that would be Oakland Sat, Jun 21 2008 5:54 AM

up and atem. meeting @insidetheperimeter @ iaklanfd to shoot Sat, Jun 21 2008 5:46 AM

snap uf niw hrz huz bin blawgd Fri, Jun 20 2008 9:01 PM

btw @loswhit: it’s AWN. We’ll be there Sunday @ the 11a. YEAY! Fri, Jun 20 2008 6:31 PM

en route home to bathe and attempt styling the new ‘do Fri, Jun 20 2008 5:47 PM

bracing myself for the first real hair style change in 20 years. i kid you not, this mop is tired. Fri, Jun 20 2008 4:04 PM

cleanin’ up and goin’ to git da hairz did Fri, Jun 20 2008 2:54 PM

home for a refill and a work email check, back to the pool with me! Fri, Jun 20 2008 12:48 PM

about to go meet Meg @ the pool. Fri, Jun 20 2008 9:33 AM

cactus on ponce and forgot my knitting in the truck, dang it. Fri, Jun 20 2008 9:18 AM

lol @mishababy Fri, Jun 20 2008 9:13 AM

dude behind me in traffic just picked a winner. make that two. Fri, Jun 20 2008 8:49 AM

Making my to-do list for the day: tailor, clean car/car wash, thank you notes, conf call, pool, hair cut, new blog theme. Maybe pics Fri, Jun 20 2008 7:55 AM

Java Vino. Disturbed by a pod of overly perky bookcamp instructors. Fri, Jun 20 2008 7:31 AM

dropping recycling, then to java vino for a few Fri, Jun 20 2008 7:01 AM

When your life is upside down, go cut your hair off.

Gets rid of the bad juju. Also means it’s time for a new banner shot.

My doctor moved without telling me, which could have been terribly problematic if they’d left the building and I couldn’t read a directory. In its origional spot on the ground floor, there was now a cosmetic surgery practice. The opportunity was trying to present itself but my boobs haven’t hit my navel just yet, so I went on up to the fifth floor.

While filling out my paperwork in holding pen #1, a woman tried to check in at the desk. Her voice was unnaturally soft and overly pleasant with a twinge of snotty. I couldn’t help but judge and chuckle when they informed her she was in the Breast Care office and the cosmetic surgery office had moved to the ground floor. *snicker snicker* As she walked out I looked up, I’m not sure she’ll ever need to come back, because those weren’t her boobs.

Moving in to holding pen #2 I took a quick inventory and surmized that 90% of the women there were surly. Surly, angry and self important. Laptops, PDA’s, scowls. I took turns knitting, updating my twitter status and watching the women roll back out to the pen from their ultrasounds and mammograms.

It was a lot like American Idol auditions. I was Ryan Seacrest, listening at the door and trying to guess what would happen next. Which women would come out with watery eyes? Would they come bounding out with smiles and a golden ticket to LA? Which women were here for the first time? Which ones – like me – had done this so many times they’d fallen out of practice with their self-exams?

Thankfully, I saw no tears today. Not mine, not theirs.

What I did see was the piece of equipment doing the squishing telling no one in particular via a digital display I probably wasn’t meant to see that there were 20 newtons of something or other going on. Whiskey tango foxtrot? Translated tonight via my other boyfriend The Google, I now know that:

1n = ≈ 0.22481 lbf of pound force.

That doesn’t sound like much. x20 = 4.4962 lbf of pound force. Hm. Still not much, but then I wasn’t a physics major like someone else who sleeps in my bed.

It also says that the force of Earth’s gravity on a human being with a mass of 70 kg is approximately 687 N, which is getting closer to describing it if you use poetic justice as I’m prone to do – it’s like having the a little over a third of the earth land on your knockers.

What this means is that it hurts a little. Mostly though, I observed that this time I actually felt the skin on my neck being pulled downward as she closed and tightened the clampomatic 3000. I asked her if that was a sign of my age and she laughed. The women in that office laugh at all my smart azz comments and I have to wonder: am I that funny (answer: yes) or is every other woman that comes through so serious that it’s all business and no levity? That’s no way to fight cancer if you’ve got it, I’m here to tell ya.

Long story longer, I have more cysts in addition to a few oldies but goodies, but there were no tumors on todays report and I get another 12 months to get my habits back: self exams and harassing girlfriends about their self exams.

That means you. Or your wife or PFL or sister or mom. Gittagittin.

Amber
April 2002 – June 18, 2008

I gave the PFL / man slave / partner / mine / love monkey / ICE a ring.

It’s titanium with Manzanita burl inlay, made by hand in TN and brought to us via etsy.com, a site I’ve loved for as long as I’ve known about it.