I started keeping a notebook for scribbling random juvenile thoughts when I was in 6th grade. I had a crush on one of my brothers friends and I’d pour my little immature heart out on the pages of a spiral notebook with a light blue cover, hoping against hope that my brothers friend would find it, read my professions and have an emotional epiphany. We’d be boyfriend and girlfriend, go away to college together, get married and live happily ever after.
It didn’t happen, but I kept writing anyway. I kept dozens of yellow legal pads with lists, dreams, hopes, fears and ruminations from my tween years until I was 22.
That year, after my mom passed but before my father did, I got involved with the kind of boy/man I never thought I would. The kind who hit, who dragged me around the apartment (including up and down a flight of stairs) by my hair, who slammed my head into a bathroom wall and closed it in a door. Those are the highlights of the year plus I spent with him.
The worst thing he ever did to me though - wasn’t physical. It was taking my journals, reading them, and in a fit of jealousy - tearing them up and filling my car with shreds of yellow and white line confetti - my words and heart were shredded.
I stopped writing.
In the end, he came at me after I’d worked all day, gone to my second job, then come home to find him in a mood. He was angry that I needed to do laundry at 11pm and came after me. That was the night of the bathroom wall. That was the night he threw me down on the ground and when he came after me I lifted my foot to block his attack, a foot still in a work boot. That was the night I cracked his sternum, left, and came back the next day with my sister and a police officer to pack my things.
It took some time (ten years?) for me to put a pen to paper again without fear of retribution, without fear of having whatever I’d write used against me, but I have. One letter in front of the other, one notebook at a time, I’ve recovered…found my voice and my self esteem.
Now, I go further than I had before and just dump it all out there to begin with. Maybe this is why - when you all come and read but remain silent - I cringe. Part of me cares, part of me doesn’t…but in the end? It’s for me and about me. Anything and everything I write here is what it is: my evolution, my continued healing and my willingness to forgive, let go, move on.
So I write.
I’m doing it now on a keyboard with the help of pixels, a series of 1’s and 0’s, while sitting for a moment in a favorite haunt. There’s a tablet on the table next to me that contains a list of things I need to do, things I want to write about, thank you notes I need to write, places I want to visit, and adventures I have yet to embark on.
I’m whole, and I’m thankful for you - reading and joining me on the journey - silent or not.
31 Aug 08
2:20 pm
Write On. Mostly I read other peoples blogs and never comment unless there just something that HAS to be said but waking up and reading your post today I find that posts like these are the kind of posts that are the most compelling because of the honest accounts inscribed.
As a fiction writer myself, reading others random thoughts,tribulations and recollections teaches me more about the human condition and inspires me to try to write aboveboard work. So…a not so silent viva la bloginators goes out and a sincere thank you to you, Maigh.
31 Aug 08
5:16 pm
I am one of your silent readers. Your blog is one of a couple of blogs that I check on daily. Why is that? I don’t spend much time on the internet - only for the basics of quick communication with my sister, check the weather, and shop for convience. I read your your blog because your writing skills, stories and content are intriguing. I met you at Snowshoe WV a few years ago and I check your blog to see how you are doing. Your writing touches my emotions. I am waiting to buy your first book when you publish it! —sorry you had the abuse experience –you did not deserve to be treated like that..my heart cries for you and what you went through.
02 Sep 08
1:22 am
I’m reading, and I love your voice! Keep writing. Like many others, I read and I’m bashful about commenting unless something speaks to me so personally that I can’t not.
Today’s post is one of those days.
Thank you for putting yourself out there and for writing even when you’re afraid people are not reading and even more afraid that they are.
Keep writing.
02 Sep 08
7:41 am
I’m a reader not a writer…therefore I read and don’t comment! I do enjoy your style, moxy, pictures and stories. I am inspired by you! Yes…let us know when your first book is published!
02 Sep 08
8:40 am
I’m another silent reader. I appreciate your honesty and candor - despite not knowing who is out there. Keep it up. Your strength is an inspiration, even if we don’t say anything.
02 Sep 08
10:47 am
i’m commenting because i want you to know that i’m reading…and not judging.
ever.
most of the time, i’m just awed and inspired and so exceedingly glad that I know such a remarkable person and thinking how lucky we are that our paths just happened to cross.
oh and ya write real purty too.
02 Sep 08
11:26 am
I’m not-so-silent and I love listening. Keep telling.
02 Sep 08
2:10 pm
You know I’m at times vocal here, other times - not. But I love your writing. I love what you have to say.
Good on you for picking up again.
And cheers to feeling safe enough to revisit a passion.
02 Sep 08
2:33 pm
I imagine you kept that from me to keep me from commiting a murder and going to prison. I kills me to even think about anyone laying a hand on you. I’m excited you’re where you are now though. Keep the proverbial pen flowing.
02 Sep 08
5:17 pm
Thanks, ya’ll. Your words mean more than you know.
As for you, Bosskat - my sweet baby boy. It’s either the head injury, or a selective memory due to adrenaline…b/c you did know…once.
02 Sep 08
8:50 pm
Oh Maigh, that’s terrible. I’m so glad you are healing.
03 Sep 08
2:25 pm
Those are my favorite boots you have ever had.
06 Sep 08
5:56 am
oh Maigh.. honey you and i so much talk about photo 18/30 on the “f” read… when your back a MN photo op is necessary
08 Sep 08
3:45 pm
Silent reader here! Actually, sometimes I read it out loud. But I’m left mesmerized more often than not. So I don’t comment. I love that about your writing. Its inspiring and intimidating and I should make sure I spelled everything correctly in this comment or I’ll look like a fool….