I can’t explain what it’s like to be someone who – for most of their life, let alone adult life – has suffered from depression, manic episodes and the like. The fact is: when “bad” is all you’ve ever known, it isn’t terrifying and you don’t feel out of control. With depression, there are no expectations, so mood swings don’t surprise. Bouts of darkness are familiar and comforting, they’re the friends waiting for you at the end of the day…they’re home.
Midway through my thirties, life has stabilized. I’ve never known safety or predictability the way I do now, I’ve never known consistent love or understanding, and I’ve never known what it is to have someone/something to fall back on.
Over the past four years (two months shy) I’ve been introduced to growth in places I’d long since mourned and moved on from. I’ve learned about open communication, honesty with my own vulnerability, keeping my wings spread with my feet on firm tera… it’s unsettling.
I’ve never felt as out of control as I do when life is in control. When things are calm I’m uncomfortable, when I don’t have to worry about being abandoned or cheated or lied to or emotionally betrayed…I’m lost.
It makes no sense to those who don’t know it, how foreign and unsettling happiness can be.
When dropped in a strange town (of my own doing or someone elses) I’m most at peace – taking it all in and putting the puzzle together. What words do they use for this and what is the dress norm and how do people greet each other here are all mysteries I get to solve (and observe and romanticize) on my own. Theirs are stories or I tell or create and its all great adventures…but this?
I’m thankful beyond words…I’m just a little lost.